Forming relationships, both romantic and platonic, can become a huge stressor and obstacles for individuals with disabilities. Natural supports throughout a person’s life and periods of transition are crucial to aiding in their overall development as an adult and self-confidence. Natural supports are people who are not obligated to be around you, and they’re an aspect of life that many people with disabilities lack because they’re either around other disabled people or those paid to be around them. Although interdependency isn’t often overshadowed by independence itself, forming relationships in which there is a healthy sense o f trust and reliability is important. We all need or want someone, whether it’s a romantic partner or simply a friend. People with disabilities need meaningful inclusion to form the type of relationships they desire; relationships that they can form on their own and don’t prioritize their disability over their humanity.
However, there are many barriers that present itself for people with disabilities who are simply trying to make friends or develop romantic connections. How can something so universal and simple become so trivial, you ask? Well, there are many misconceptions about people with disabilities that stand in the way of their progress towards social inclusion. In the article “Misconceptions about Sex and Relationships with a Disability” by Whitney Bailey, it discusses the numerous false conceptions and presumptions about people with disabilities’ sexuality and desire for relationships. These misconceptions include “No Sexual Desire, Sex Organs Do Not Work, Sex Usually Hurts, Dating Struggle, Consent Does Not Apply, Not Interested In Flirting, or Don’t Have The Right To Reject A Romantic Partner” (Bailey, “Misconceptions...”). Oftentimes, it’s not a person’s disability that’s standing in the way of them expressing their sexuality or forming friendships or relationships, it’s the misconceptions of other people and greater society. When some able-bodied people encounter a disabled person or community, their first reaction is surprise or even uncomfortability. As a result, there is less focus on the person and more focus on the disability itself. However, it is important to humanize the person with the disabilities because their desires and needs for forming sexual, romantic or platonic relationships is neither taboo nor abnormal.
“Don’t hesitate to make me [a disabled person] feel wanted and desired because of your presumptions about my body...And most importantly, disability is not a problem. It is not a shortcoming. It is an identity to be proud of. We [disabled people] are not less than our non-disabled peers. We are equal and we have the authority to decide who we do and do not wish to allow into our lives” (Bailey, “Misconceptions...”).
In addition, one specific example of how misconceptions can affect a disabled person’s dating life is a Florida Atlantic University (FAU) student with cerebral palsy, in the article “A virgin of romance: one FAU student shares his struggles of dating in a wheelchair”. In the article, Garrett Mayersohn is depicted rising in the morning and receiving help taking a shower, using the bathroom, shaving and settling into his wheelchair. While Garrett may need assistance performing everyday tasks, he doesn’t let this get in the way of him pursuing his dream of becoming a television producer and peaking a girl’s interest. Ryan Sherman, a professor at FAU whose research centers on personality and social psychology believes that “Part of physical attractiveness, and this is deep-rooted in our evolutionary history, is this notion of disease avoidance...So if you see somebody who looks sick, you don’t want to kiss them, you want to keep your distance from somebody who looks sick or ill. And so part of what could be happening is if someone sees someone in a wheelchair, that sort of same mechanism is being played out” (University Press, “A virgin..”). Sherman’s explanation is in response to Garrett’s confusion when encountering girls who won’t openly give him a “yes” or “no” answer when asked if they are interested in him. This idea of “disease avoidance” is considered to be one of the major reasons as to why many girls, Garrett pursues, avoid his questions of interest or him although together, according to Sherman. In addition, in “A 2012 study performed by the Hammill Institute on Disabilities, which asked 708 participants for their opinions on developing relationships with people in wheelchairs, found that while 77.5 percent of the participants were very willing to be friends with a person in a wheelchair, only 22.7 percent would be very willing to date and 15 percent would be very willing to marry. On the opposite side, 19.5 percent of people were unwilling to date someone in a wheelchair and 31.8 percent were unwilling to marry. The most popular answer given for why people would not date someone in a wheelchair, which 22.7 percent of participants gave, is because they believe taking care of their partner might be too much work. Not knowing what to say or how to treat a wheelchair user followed as the next highest answer” (University Press, “A virgin..”). In Garrett’s specific case, he details numerous occasions in which girls have stood him up or been too scared to simply tell him they aren’t interested, “Girls he’s asked out have told him that they were lesbians. One girl said she couldn’t date him because her phone didn’t have enough storage for an additional phone number, one said she reached her friend limit and another said she couldn’t because she had to get permission from her father first. She was in college. But more times than not, Mayersohn knows to expect that the person he is asking out is already in a relationship — even if she isn’t” (University Press, “A virgin..”). Even though Mayersohn has become accustomed to “the game”, he wishes girls would simply give him a chance and stop viewing his disability as an ailment. His disability isn’t an aspect of his life that he’s insecure about, he just wished he could say the same for his romantic interests.
Lastly, forming friendships is just as important as forming romantic relationships. Meaningful friendships matter because they can positively impact a person’s wellbeing. The more opportunities people with disabilities have to form friendships, the greater the chance of actually creating a friendship through exposure. Forming friendships is ultimately about social capital and building the capacity for individuals with disabilities to build social relationships and support themselves. Although there may be a lot of trial and error, according to “Friendships in People with Intellectual Disabilities”, the benefits of friendships for people with disabilities are endless! The benefits include:
Increased happiness and sense of self-worth
Better emotional and physical health
People become recognizable members of the community. This potentially provides safeguards against abuse & neglect, or may result in prompt recognition if abuse & neglect does occur
Increased social skills and confidence
Reduced isolation and the negative effects associated with isolation
More meaningful lives and enhanced quality of life.
However, while many people with disabilities may want to form friendships, in addition to misconceptions are some common social and systemic barriers that discourage them from doing so, easily:
A lack of experience with forming close relationships or in communicating or socializing with others
Not fitting in well with the larger community due to personal characteristics, dress or poor hygiene
Mental health diagnoses such as anxiety or depression that may make socializing more challenging
Difficulty communicating in easily understood ways
Lack of low-cost or no-cost activities in the community
Inadequate transportation to activities or the community, or inaccessible places
Lack of staff who are available to support community access and opportunities to participate in activities
In conclusion, What can we do to better support people with disabilities who need/want the opportunity to form a community/ support system of friends?
We can implement more person-centered planning that involves people with disabilities and create safe spaces for peer-based support to allow some people with disabilities to strengthen their social skills through community or local organizations.
In addition, when it comes to misconceptions about disabled people’s sexual capabilities or romantic desires, let’s try to continuously dispel those in order to see people with disabilities as people first and form greater, more meaningful relationships with them. The less we rely on stereotypes and misconceptions, the more we open up our minds to greater possibilities and as Garrett stated “give people a chance”.